My tita bought fishes for my lola as a gift for her 75th birthday May 15th last year; those fishes died days before my lola passed away.

January started great. As per our new year's tradition, we, Cura family always get to have a reunion every first of January to visit my lola (nanay as we call her) to make her happy as well because we are complete in a house full of noise, but packed with happiness. I even got the chance to introduce the first ever guy I brought to them when Philip and I went to Cavite to visit her and my other relatives. Yet there was an unfortunate incident happened on that day. For some unknown reasons, my dad came hours before we went there and had a commotion with his siblings... and so nanay got nervous, had a hard-time breathing but became okay after and was okay I got there.

The next day, my tita told me that she did not want any food to eat, she did not want to get up in her bed nor open her eyes. January 3 came, they had to call my sister to check up on her because she already wanted to be brought in the hospital... I never thought this scenario would ever happen again. With my sister's go signal, they had to bring her in a nearest hospital... I am not sure on where the first hospital was, but they had to choose another hospital because the ICU's rate was high and my tita don't have that kind of amount that night... so after consulting to her brothers and sisters, they brought my lola to PGH. To our dismay, PGH got the worst service on their ward. My lola needed doctors, not interns! They made my lola's body a test that even my own sister knew better than what they did. My sister's a registered nurse, that she had to fight with the doctors just because they've done it so wrong. Another decision came, they had to bring my lola to New Era General Hospital... she deserved to have good doctors and nurses that will take good care of her. It was a battle of life and death when the doctor told my tita that if ever we insist to bring her to another hospital, we might lose her. But my lola's a fighter, she fought hard for her life and made it to NEGH. My sister works there so she could always check up on her and that my lola could feel safe too because our church is just near the hospital.

Days went by, my lola's condition did not get any better. It was hard to see her that way... I don't know if she ever heard everything that I said whenever I try to talk to her during my visits...maybe, but I'm sure that she know how hurt we are by the way she tries to grasp and grip our hand whenever we hold her. She hated to see us cry. It was more than 2 years ago when the first time she got confined and stayed in the ICU for a month. The doctors had to cut a hole in her throat so she could breathe properly. We all thought that we're losing her that time... yet God is so great that He let my lola have her second life. I just never thought she'll be back in the hospital bed again. She was looking great when we visited her January 1st, that's why it's so hard to accept that she went like that in a snap. She was battling then with a weak heart, had seizures as we fought with her along the way. My lola was scared of dying, she was scared to leave us sad and lonely. She loved us too much that she held on unto her last energy to fight for her life.

January 10. I can remember every bit of that day. My mom and I woke up early for church and when we came back, my cousin told me that we have to be there already because my lola's vital signs fell already. I was scared to step on her room and tell my goodbyes to her. We were crying nonstop because we should accept the fact that she's leaving already. I don't even know how to look at her and what to say to her. Her body's getting cold already and soon enough we knew that it was the day to let her go. I never knew where my two tita got their strength during those days they had to be beside my lola, crying everyday because she's not getting better, draining every bit of the energy they have just to take care of their mother to the last breath she'll have. It was the day we searched and decided where to have my lola's wake, something all of us are not even prepared to do. Asking for the price for the wake and by just looking at those coffins hurt us more than you can imagine. I still tried to go to office that day to at least deliver something, yet I can't work. My mind instantly shifts on what ifs and then cry because I can't accept the fact that we're all waiting for my lola's last breath. Past 4pm that day, I received a text that she's gone already... my lola waited for her brother to visit her because he's the only person who did not visit her the entire time she was in the hospital. I rushed to be there to still see her, and I did... I saw my dad and the nurses having her body on the ramp... bringing her to the room where she will be cleaned. I stopped them and that was the first time ever that I kissed a cold body.

Everything still hurts. I can still picture that moment that we were all crying beside her body, kissing and hugging her even if she won't respond anymore. She's cold and not moving... her eyes closed, having this bandage in her head and eyes to keep her mouth and eyes closed. As painful as it is until now, I'm just happy that my lola wouldn't feel any pain anymore... that she's not suffering as much as she did here than where she is right now. I miss her, I miss her every single day of my life. It's my first birthday without her and I believe she tried to reach me that day. It's sad thinking that what if January 1 was a perfect day? Maybe, just maybe...we still have her with us.

I grew up with her... I grew up close my lola. My whole existence was inspired of her... without her guidance, my sisters and I could be the same as those who wants rebellion; but we're not. Because of how great she is, we lived closer to God and closer to people who loves us dearly... that includes her, that eventhough she may not appear strong to everyone else's eyes; she's one of those who can raise you well, they way you should be raised. I don't know when we can ever get through this, or not feel sad that she's not around anymore... maybe after a year or two... or maybe not. January 1 and May 15 will never be the same again, for she's the reason why our family grew close to each other. I don't know if we'll ever have those reunions again...

Nanay, I know you're happy and peaceful with God already...help us get through the pain, help us get through the coming days without you. Guide us and may you be our guardian angel from now on. We miss you... help us be strong. I love you so much, nanay. You will always be my favorite lola in the whole wide world! I miss you, and I always will. :(