I finished reading I Love You To Death by Natalie Ward last night and no, this isn't a book review; I just want to blurt out my thoughts on what I suddenly realized while and after I was reading it. I wonder why women always fancy a fairy tale love story, when in reality Prince Charmings never do exist. I always hate it when books make love look so easy to do, when it's not. The book made me look on love differently... how it hurts simply how Ash and Luke wanted to take each other's pain, and I won't have that. Yes I am jealous on how badly Luke fought for Asha, for how he can comfort her with words just to stay. And as always, I won't get to feel or have that. Sad truth, ladies and gentlemen.

I was holding on until today. I always waited for something to happen since day 1 -- for someone to just chase me and fight for whatever we are losing. I don't regret the decision I've made, but I'm losing it. I wanted this so he could realize this, all of this... but none could ever make him realize how a big deal this is, how a big deal he is. And just like that, he threw the last piece of hope I have in him. It just hurts so bad that I feel crushed, that it's crushing every inch of muscle and bone I have. That how awful it is to fight for someone who wouldn't even fight for you. I don't know if I didn't made myself worthy enough just to be thrown away, it's like I'm being punished because of my own choices. So here I am, trying to let go of what needs to be done. I should have stopped caring since I knew I didn't deserve any of this. But love? F*ck love. I realize people really are blind when they are inlove. I should have seen this coming, but I was blinded with how I feel, on how I finally felt something again. I pray for strength to carry on, for it's been hard sleeping and waking up each day. I don't even know how to feel better, all I know is that I'm such a messed up person right now. I wish the blame game would be over; that I could stop asking myself all the questions I know I don't even deserve. I did my part, everyone could see how far I would go for him... I wonder if he sees that too, I wonder if he ever saw that. I'm torn into tiny little pieces, with no idea how to put it back together. All I need is a good cry, a one good hard cry that would make me feel better. But tears just won't show up. I'm clouded with all the thoughts and questions in my head that makes it hurt.

Why? How could he?

No words can ever comfort what I feel. It may be hard, but I know I'll get there... I'll get there.

I just want all this to go away. Please help me take it away.:(