Long Distance Schmlongdistance.
I got myself killing the repeat button of Justin Bieber's song: Fall. It is part of his new album Believe, which I stumbled upon in Grooveshark this morning. As what I've tweeted after hearing the song... it's like he's singing it to me. The song was fully meant for me! It just slapped my face HARD. I don't know, I just found myself relating to the song so much. I'll quote the lyrics so you'll know why. This is like our story put in a song:
"Well let me tell you a story
About a girl and a boy
He fell in love for his best friend
When she’s around, he feels nothing but joy
But she was already broken, and it made her blind
But she could never believe that love would ever treat her right
But did you know that I love you? or were you not aware?
You’re the smile on my face
And I ain’t going nowhere
I’m here to make you happy, i’m here to see you smile
I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long while
Who’s gonna make you fall in love
I know you got your wall wrapped on all the way around your heart
You’re not gon’ be scared at all, oh my love
But you can’t fly unless it lets ya,
You can’t fly unless it lets ya, so fall
Well I can tell you’re afraid of what this might do
Cause we got such an amazing friendship and that you don’t wanna lose
Well I don’t wanna lose it either
I don’t think I can stay sitting around while you’re hurting babe
Come take my hand
Well did you know you’re an angel? who forgot how to fly
Did you know that it breaks my heart everytime to see you cry
Cause I know that it pains if he’s gone everytime he move over on the shoulder you crying
And I hope by the time that i’m done with this song that I figure out
Who’s gonna make you fall in love
I know you got your wall wrapped on all the way around your heart
You’re not gon’ be scared at all, oh my love
But you can’t fly unless it lets ya,
You can’t fly unless it lets ya, so fall"
The past months have been crazy. Crazy good and bad. Since the heartbreaking news that I won't have a job after May 31, my world really fell apart. Being a bread winner like me at this age, it was that frustrating. Well, I ended up doing the wrong things at the right time. Right time? Did I just write that? Ha. Maybe yes, maybe no. I have this tendency to easily snap at anyone lately. It's like I lost my temper and my own self in the process of standing up from where I fell down, face first!
It's "my someone's" day today, and I feel like I ruined it. Back then, I sent him a notebook filled with my everyday letters for almost a month... because I knew his mom will come back here and I will get the chance to finally give him something. Yes, he's far, far away from me. Apart from the everyday letters, I incorporated a birthday card which he could only open on the day of his birthday. Man, I forgot what I wrote there, it's like 2 months old letter already... all I remember is that I'm professing on what I feel about him already. Yet I don't know now if I still feel the same. I even wrote him another email to greet him a happy birthday; but in return, he replied with an email telling me that he's sad and hurt all this time. My heart was just torn into million pieces after I read that. I know I've been difficult lately, that he feels helpless... but I feel like I'm doing the same damn thing over and over. Demmet. Kill me now. When will I ever learn?
Despite of his-should-be-happy-day today, I started to talk to him about that email; and there goes our serious conversation over skype. Bottomline is, he needs answers. He needs to know why I am up to being like this. I don't know how to explain either. Yes, we have our own fights and battles to conquer... but I feel like I don't know if I'm ready for him. It's like my feelings diminishes after each petty fight. I've been trying so hard not to lose this for him, but I can't help think about what tomorrow could bring. I don't know how long can I do this. I don't know how long can I wait for him until he comes home. Though I can't bear the thought of him having someone else to care about, I don't know how I became such a difficult person.:( I know he can wait forever, but I can't. I will never know if I deserve someone as good as him. I'm scared to lose him, to lose what we have. He's been the best friend and the lover I wanted to have... but this situation is not totally suited for us. He will be my first ever official boyfriend if God wanted us to be together, yet I don't want to have a first official virtual boyfriend also. The thought just kills me. Not having someone to hold and to be with you through good and bad times, it just hurts so much to want him near. I feel so helpless now, though he wanted me to think about stepping back or even having someone else already. I don't want to be part of those people who've hurt him, nor him to be part of the people I've hurt along the way. ;(
Why does it have to be this hard? F*ck long distance relationships. If only I could fly there easier, or him instead... everything could be normal. As of now, I don't know what to do. It's been 8 months of happy and sad mutual understanding whatever between the two of us... but I just don't know what to do. I've already set a deadline for myself. It is just depressing to know that I can't wait for him for many years, but he could be patiently wait for me forever. See that? That's our big difference. How will I ever deserve someone like him? Ahh, Lord... I need you. Help me please.:(
x
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