I was supposed to write something about how I moved on, but I don't really know how to start... maybe this is the right time. I once told a friend that I don't get sad on the thought of my past someone. Because I don't, I really don't anymore. There are times that memories come in when I see a thing or went to a place that reminds me of what was us, but that was then -- until last night. Maybe it was just a sudden rush of emotions, but I felt a little sad.

I was busy searching through my cabinet for a long envelope or a long folder to place my requirements for Monday. I am a person who likes to keep things when I feel like it's worth keeping. Sometimes, I like to keep unimportant things as well. Haha. And so while searching, I found scratch papers, old resumes, and other stuff that I just put in there. I found a short envelope with some papers and looked upon it. Turns out that those papers were receipts, airfare tickets, flight details, itineraries... it was like a memory box of my past but an envelope in my case. I kept all the receipts on the restaurants we ate, his plane ticket when he went home, our plane tickets when we first travelled together, and even my favorite picture of us together. It was a sudden blur. I was reminded of the time we had together, all of it. Just because I am too sentimental to keep things like that. And then a friend started asking me questions about the first time we met after officially being a couple, because a batchmate posted something that struck this conversation. I didn't know what to feel at first. I don't even know if what I feel is sadness, hurting, or is plain flashback of memories with him. It triggered me to look back on the posts I've written about him here (in which I don't want to share it to anyone anymore) and saw one that surprised me with the kind of words I use for him:

I WAS THAT INLOVE. I even said on the post that he is the love of my life. Well yeah, that was what I felt back then. So what the hell happened? I still get to ask myself that question sometimes. I still miss him, yes, but that's given already when a person becomes part of your life. Back then, he was always the person I'd run to. He was my favorite person to talk to about everything. We don't like to sugarcoat things, that's why even if we bully other people in our language, it was just us who understands it. He's the guy bestfriend I've always wanted to have, and I admit that I still hurt at this thought. He is my bestfriend, or atleast he was. It was hard to lose someone you'd never thought you'd lose. I think I was more hurt on the fact that I lost someone I talk to everyday than losing a boyfriend. I was angry all along. I felt betrayed, lost and confused... it was the first time ever that my heart felt such anger that I can't hold anymore. I even tried to choose between living with anger or living with the faded memories; that if ever I choose to live with anger, I become a person I am not... and if ever I live with those memories, I choose to be sad and lonely every single day of my life. I didn't know which way to choose. I felt like my friends started to give up on me then because I tend to repeat and do things that I know will hurt me. I tried faking and cheating the whole process, by trying hard to be happy in which I am really not. I STRUGGLED A LOT. I kept it all inside because I felt like no one would understand what I feel. I even crave for alcohol every now and then because drinking became my fake healing that time. Things started to fall apart. I was a mess, and I even lost my job so what a super total mess I was that time (I didn't lose my job because of my heartbreak, but imagine how to deal with both at the same time). Yet here I am, talking about it and finally being in the place I prayed so hard before. I am trying to look back on how I coped up with that pain I dealt, but I don't know how anymore -- it just happened when I least know it.

Moving on and letting go happens when you stop caring about moving on and letting go. It happens when you stop doing it anymore. Everyone who ever experienced a heartbreak wanted to know the correct process of doing it -- including ME. But is there even a correct process for it? Breakup write ups and articles will tell you that there are stages like: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance... whatever. I even thought what stage am I in already before just to prove myself that I have progress. It was stupid. Even stupid that I tricked myself on the progress that will eventually go back to zero after a few days. I wish I knew things better back then so I never had to go through each and every hard phase. It was like my heart was a puzzle with all the missing pieces I don't know where to find. People told me that I can find it here, there, everywhere; but I know I can't find it there. Only I can put it back together.

You'll never know you made it until you realize that you stopped praying for 'that day' to happen. Instead, you are thankful that it is finally happening. How was I able to get through it? God happened. I know I have established a good relationship with Him already but that relationship was defined and intensified during my heartbreak. Those times that I cry for help because it's too painful, I can't stand it? -- He was there. He became my rock. He was there all along that I forgot that He has my back. I was too busy nursing myself with things that I thought could help me move on, but all it took was to trust His plans fully. I may have lost my bestfriend, but I have the bestest bestfriend ever. It's like we have a bond that wouldn't end; a bond that won't hurt me and a bond that made me a better person. I realized that in order to be my own ideal self, I should build a solid foundation first: a solid relationship with Him. Maybe He did this so I could see His plans for me clearly, or so He could save me from hurting more. I am humbled how He made me see things I hardly see before. He will make you believe that the saying 'in God's perfect timing' is true. I may have experienced pain and suffering, but it is all worth it now. The lessons I have learned are the lessons He is trying to teach me so I never have to experience it again. His love is so unselfish that He did everything just to put me back to pieces.

It took time for me to get peace for I never had the closure I wanted. I never heard the words I wanted to hear, even though I waited for so long. But I have learned to establish forgiveness and acceptance within myself so I can still find peace even without a closure. It did take a long while, but God never made me feel alone. I was busy searching for a solution before, but it was only I (with the help of God) who made it possible to bring me to where I am now. Breakups may be the most painful feeling in this world, but sometimes, it can be the best thing that can ever happen to you. God is your friend, your bestfriend. Walk with God for He is the perfect person to help you get through a broken heart.

I have given plenty time to win myself back. Through God and through hard work, I was able to learn and focus on my values and self-worth so I would know better next time. Andami kong narealize na mali kong ginawa before, even before that relationship started. But I think I'm ready now. It was a long journey, but it was a beautiful journey. With God, I was able to do it. I'm happily embracing singlehood and I choose to be one until I find the one God wants me to be with. Ito na si Myles version 2.0 -- braver, stronger, wiser, bolder, fiercer!! Hahaha Laida Magtalas reprezzzzent!! :) At theme song ko na ang Clean by Taylor Swift! 

Lyrics: Rain came pouring down / When I was drowning / That's when I can finally breathe / And by morning / Gone was any trace of you / I think I'm finally clean ♥

If you're reading this and currently experiencing a heartbreak, let God work for you. Have faith in Him and He'll grant your prayers in the right time. It's a lengthy post I know, but I know I have to do this. This is the most vulnerable post I did yet, so I hope I have helped you in some way. :) Thanks for reading!