Hello loooong weekend. :] It's a 4-day vacation for me, so woohoo! Time for a big big REST, finally. I should use my time well cause Monday seems to come the fastest, I hate it! And yeah, I'm here at Casa Ibiza, Antipolo City together with my family! :) I believe that this is the first time ever that we planned to go somewhere this lenten season. My mom's usually not around in times like this, so yeah.. first time ever, we should seize the moment! Haha.

I'm actually waiting for The Vampire Diaries to buffer, and it's taking so long! I'm so excited to watch the latest episode, gah. Since I've watched it, TVD has become one of my favorite series ever! Just sharing. I even forgot that I love Edward and Bella because of them.:))) Funny! So from here, sitting at the edge of a comfy bed, watching my family sleeping, with the loud snore of my mother..hehe, thoughts or I say things slash people are going in and out of my mind.

I could have been blogging about Chuck Bass (you'll see why later, plus if you watch Gossip Girl... you'll understand why). There's this someone special in my life way back my first year college days -- he's my first love I think. Where first love means tears, happiness, laughter, cat fights, crying, hurting, and all that. As far as I know, he's the person I cared about the most that time. But people change, we grew apart. The last thing I know is that he'll never become the person who is right for me.  What hurts is that he can never ever tell me what he feels, although I feel it... still, I wanted him to say it. I've hated him for how immature he can be, for how he wanted me to devote all of my time for him, which is way impossible because I've been busy with school and all things I can hardly remember.... but he comes back, ALWAYS. There would be times that we already have our own special someones, yet one word... one conversation... one smile, it'll fell apart. It's like we're back to our old times -- like a never-ending process. I fell inlove with someone then he came back, he was telling me that he loved me that much before... but how can you tell someone that it's too late for him to tell it? It was hard pushing him away that time, but I was never scared of him not coming back. We go days or months without even talking, I cared less because we both decided to part ways, because I'm happy with my life that time. I was telling him to find someone he deserve, because all I want is for him to be happy too. 

Then one day, I actually IMed him, the usual hi, hello... how are you blah blah blah catching up things. Stupid me, asking him out on a movie plus talking to him again could be a huge mistake. We're back again to the usual "us"... the textmate buddies, let's-go-watch-a-movie stuff, and what he always says was like, "we need to talk, i need to confess something"... and all that. We were supposed to be watching a movie last Wednesday, but I cancelled it and lied to go to a more important event than what could have happened that day. I didn't regret it of course, but that could be the last time I'll see him. Soon enough he'll be flying to Singapore to join his dad there temporarily. Until one night he confessed that he might not fulfill his promise that we'll be together someday and that he never wanted us to be "just friends" eversince. I don't know how to react. I wasn't expecting it at all, but I told him that we should stop talking... maybe because I didn't understand his text at first. It feels weird lately, I don't know how or why do I still feel this way when it comes to him.

I'm scared of the day he realizes not to come back anymore. We've been like this for years now, and I don't know why fate never wanted us be together. I even realized that I've been pushing him to be the person I want him to be and not just to accept what he really is. I appreciate what he does for me, everything. But I'm afraid of the day that he'll come to tell me that he already found his happiness. My friend told me that he maybe my Chuck Bass, and from that day on... I realized that he really is my Chuck Bass -- the one who's never ready for a relationship. But then again, I thought that maybe it was me who was never ready for this, for us, for him. Maybe I was never ready to accept the whole him. I want him to become a man that can stand for me, the one who I can simply be proud of... I simply want him to be a man. I don't know what the future holds, but I know God will lead us both to whoever we deserve. I wish him happiness, and all the best in the world he could have. I wish I could tell him how much I loved him before, but I can no longer remember that feeling anymore. *sigh* 

Goodnight from Casa Ibiza, TVD's still buffering! :(