Philophobia
Philophobia (noun. from Greek φίλος - filos, "beloved, loving" and φόβος - phobos, "fear") is the fear of being in love and falling in love. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past but also can be chronic phobia. Philophobia is defined as the abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love. This affects the quality of life and pushes a person away from commitment.
Lately I feel like I've been messing up with things. Feeling differently with apparent reason, feeling like I don't want this anymore. But of course, that feeling wasn't just made up by myself... it was triggered by something that made me feel like that. It was when I realized, whenever I have this "someone", it'll be super okay at first... then something will happen, I will fade... things will get worse, then it will all slip away. Like what the hell is wrong with me? I could count those every failed "almost-relationships", I bet I never learned my lesson.
But then again, it all boils down to this: I fear love, expectations, disappointments and hurting.
I very well know that it's part of LOVE. Love means giving, sharing, and letting yourself be hurt in order to love again. I don't know if I can still afford to be hurt again. I never liked the feeling of getting hurt and waiting for that someone to make me whole again. I was hurt several times already, and I've been trying hard to let go of the pain. Still, when I feel happy... I sometimes tend to hold back, especially when I know I'm doing too much already; too much of what I should only give. I wanted to be happy for God's sake... but maybe I'm still waiting for that person to come around. That person who will make me feel that getting hurt is all worth it if it is for him. I want someone who is willing to accept all the worst I have, yet will still understand that it's part of me. I really don't know now. The situation is hard at this moment... and I need someone who is mature enough to hold me. Hai....:((( I need some time alone, maybe this is just a result of what's happening lately.
Help me Lord, I don't want another failed romance again. </3
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