**this was supposed to be posted two Sundays ago? I may have forgotten to publish it.:))

Today, I woke up coming from a weird dream. Have you ever experienced those dreams that haunt you, that you run from things or people in real life but you'll see them in your dreams? I kind of had that this morning. It's painful waking up not knowing what to feel about it... even awful remembering what you're trying to forget. It's like my dream is showing my pain that I'm trying so hard not to feel anymore. So here we go again, trying to write it here so it will lessen the burden.

I am not perfect, we are all not. We may have few or several people who will hate us for who we are, but I guess that's how cruel this life is. How you live yourself freely and happily despite the people who brings you down. I remember a friend once told me that "happiness is a struggle". Is it? There are few times lately that I'm starting to believe that. Happiness becomes a struggle when we try so hard to achieve it, when we try to reach it because that is just what we've ever wanted. I believe happiness should come from within, accepting things we couldn't accept, and it should not be selfish. Yes, there may be times that we achieve happiness even if it means we might hurt somebody else. Well that is the most questionable part for me. Will you hurt others for the sake of your own happiness? -- a question remains forever unanswered. We have our own reasons to feel everything we should feel, but sometimes I question myself why is it hard to be happy when you thought you already have what you've wanted...

I'm happy, inlove... but sometimes things aren't as normal as it gets. We fight with the people we love the most because those are the relationships we don't want to lose. Sometimes, when things get tough, I tend to feel like letting go easily. It's like one of the b*llsh*ts I learned from all the hurting before -- it's unfair, yes; but somehow I manage to fight those thoughts. I've learned that you have to work hard for one thing to get it... and it applies to all relationships too. Love, trust, and communication are just the main factors for it to work, but the two of you should be really involved in working hard for it. Don't you think it would be sad if only one pushes the wheel? It takes two to tango. I hope you guys get what I mean. It's just that times may be hard on us at some point, and it's up to us on how we will respond to it. I know this maybe one of my terrible thoughts entry, hahaha. I just need to let these out.

Maybe the main reason why I never wanted to publish this blog is because it's too personal, too personal that I write thoughts and emotions with no holds barred. It is not that I write things against people.. no, it's because I write everything about me. And I'm afraid to be judged with what I write here... maybe one day, I could let the world see this other part of me.