I know, I promised myself not to write about it anymore. But last night was too painful that I decided to write it all out. Probably the truest words I could ever utter are here. It's like hitting the send button at the same time... if this would let my pain go, then I shall let this go. Just let me write about it... just one last time.

Hi,

I miss you, and there's not a day goes by that I don't. I'm trying to delete your messages on my phone, which was your former phone... but I failed to keep on doing so. It was 400+ messages that I kept, even those messages that we're not together were there. I was so stupid to read them before deleting it, so here am I, bawling like there's no tomorrow.

I miss how you used to put a big smile on my face, on how your voice was the one I used to hear first each morning. I miss calling you babe, and all the nicknames we had for each other... and how you used to call me your princess. I swear that was one name that ever made me feel so special. I miss talking to you. I miss talking to you, ALOT. You've been the person I would always run to first whenever I have something in mind; whether it was good or bad, whether if I'm judging others or not... you were there to listen and to judge them with me. It hurts how I can't tell you everything right now. Like how I badly wanted to tell you that The Piano Guys are coming to Manila, how I would always rant about my work to you... how I would tell you what happened to me in a day, good or bad... awful or not -- because you're my human diary.

Remember how we shared every secrets there could possibly be back in college? How I knew every detail of your happiness and your heartbreak, just how you knew mine? Remember when you left the country and how miserable you were because someone broke your heart? Remember how you struggled on living your life there, and how you struggled to find a job? But you did find a job after a year. Remember how we talked a lot thru Skype, that even time difference is present, I was able to talk to you all day because you had trouble sleeping on time... and had trouble sleeping because you're in pain? Remember how you got back up and started to live again? Remember how you started to tell me that you had a secret crush back in college in which I had too? Remember how you bombarded me with questions about who he is, even if you're scared to know who it really was? Remember when you told me that you liked me back then, but you hesitated because it just wasn't our time? Remember how I told you that I liked you too back then but I hated you because I thought you liked me back but you like someone else? Remember how it started when you said that you missed me? We were in Cebu then for a vacation when you said that. Remember the next day I had my accident, was the day we started calling each other through phone? Remember how *hugs* became *superhugs* to *kisses*? Remember that day when we fell apart because I was too afraid of what might happen? Remember how you needed time to reflect to see what's needed for us? Remember how you said those words to me in a voice record knowing I won't ever hear them? Remember how I said those words back to you and how happy you felt then? Remember when you asked me to be your girl and I said yes? 

...because I remember it all too well.

"I'll be your shelter, I'll be your storm. I'll make you shiver, I'll make you warm. Whatever weather, baby I'm yours. Be your forever be your fling, baby I will be your everything."

I used to hate each song that reminded me of you. Almost everything I do, it reminds me of you. You were my better half, or at least I thought you were. You were my knight in shining armor whenever I needed you to become one. You've been the face I always wanted to see when I step out of my office building... How we used to have dinner dates, even when you're sick. I miss how Sundays are our day. I miss how Skype has been the most powerful communication tool for us because we managed to stay friends and be more than that because of Skype.

I will always blame myself if I did this to you. If I ever made you become less than who you are... I'm sorry that I chose to leave you when in fact you needed my love most. I'm sorry how I didn't understood you more than I should have. I'm sorry that all I see is that I'm hurting that day and I forgot that you needed time to process things too. I'm sorry I held on to your words, on how I thought you would fight for this just like what you told me back then. I'm sorry for I held on to you for too long, that I forgot that you need saving too. I'm sorry if you're hurting because I was the one who decided for us. I'm sorry for I was not able to be strong to fight for us.

I loved you with all of my heart, with all of me. And if this letter will help me free my pain, then I'm doing so. Funny how I've been sick the past few days, and all I can think about is that you'll come and rescue me. Funny how I wanted to hear something from you last Sunday, because it was supposed to be our first anniversary. Maybe I got sick because I was hoping that a miracle could happen, because I was too busy stressing myself on what happened. I'm tired running from circles and making myself believe that it's okay, that it's okay now -- because it's not and I don't know how long it will not be okay. I wanted to feel better, but every chance I had leads me back to you. So I'm sorry if I'm trying to remove you in my life now, because it'll be what I need. It's what's best for myself... and I want to at least stop myself from hoping and hurting. I hope you understand that.

I love you so much that I have to do this now. I'm letting you go for it's the right thing to do and so that we can no longer hurt each other. It will be hard because part of me will always love you, all of you... but you have to let me go too. I wish you well and I do hope God will heal us and will prepare us to the person who is right for us.

I will always be thankful that He granted my prayers before, that you were the person I asked for. Thank you for all the sweet smiles and all the butterflies. I will always, always miss my human diary, my bestfriend, my lover... all at once. Please do take care of yourself for me.

Love always,

_myles