I've been too busy with work lately. Too busy that I only go home to rest and sleep, that I can only think about is my code even on my way home; worst is: even when sleeping. I am too busy to be rattled by a question... too busy that I forgot that I was dealing with something that when a friend asked about that thing; I instantly had relapse. I don't really even know if it's a relapse. Maybe I'm just sad to answer the question, even sad to remember everything that's happened. Sometimes I feel like it's haunting me. I don't even appreciate my dreams lately, like it's a kind of dream that makes you so sad when you wake up.

That friend even asked if I'm okay already... and I myself do not know if I am already. I badly want to go somewhere, not to run or anything, but to finally give myself a chance to grieve, to finally have the chance to rest, and to finally absorb things on my own. The past few weeks have been bad, and it seems like I live in a nightmare that won't let me wake up. I know I am still hurting, and a part of me hopes that he'll go back to the person I knew; but it's impossible. I wanted to scream, because how can you miss and hate a person at the same time? I find it too stupid how we landed in the same situation we had last year, the fact that we continue to give each other such stupid space and still learn nothing. I hate how everything haunts me, especially the pain it caused me. I wish I could just work all day and be tired so I could only drift off when I lie in my bed and not think about everything that's hurting. I hate that I've been living with a fake smile for more than a month already. I know, maybe God wants me to experience every bit of this to help me prepare for the person He wants for me. I badly want to get through these phases; and it's been hard to go along sometimes when memories keep haunting you.

I'm just extremely sad today, or maybe since the day someone triggered for me to think about it again. :(