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I just finished reading a book right now. It is from Colleen Hoover yet again, entitled It Ends With Us. I thought it was a typical mind-blowing love story she usually writes, but it turns out to be monumental to me. Most of my childhood memories came rushing back. I know I wasn't supposed to write it all here... but I won't be able to explain it better if I don't. I am not even writing this because I want to put my father in a bad light, no. It is just this book opened so many memories I can't and don't want to hold anymore. I might and could be crying while writing this.

I never dreamt of my own marriage not only because my parents got separated; but also because growing up, I didn't quite saw what marriage should look like. My mother works at a cruise ship so back then, we only have our father on our side. My mom would only have 2-3 months vacation a year, then she will need to go back to work for 9 months. That cycle went on until 2009. Within those months my mom was on vacation, I mostly remember fights. Two people who are supposed to be inlove were fighting and shouting at each other. Most of the time, my father would hurt my mom. Big time. But I don't remember seeing heavy bruises on her though, I mean to the point that she needed to hide her face in public. My father has a temper no one can control. Back then, my sisters and I grew up afraid of him. We were freakin scared to get wounded because he will hit us when he sees it. So whenever someone from us gets wounded, we try the hell out to cover it -- because we don't want to be hit with whatever tool he had to hit us. It was my father's way on how to discipline us, but it felt way too much before. We were always tempted to call the Bantay Bata hotline then because we felt it just wasn't right. So was for my mom. There was one incident I remember so much, my mother was on her vacation and was ironing clothes. I believe my father was trying to make love with my mom yet she didn't want it, and they ended up hurting each other. I can still picture it clearly in my head. I was playing outside then I heard loud voices. So I went back to our house seeing my mother tear my father's clothes because she was fighting back. We even have a cabinet my father punched through because he was mad. I will always remember it because we put a big Hello Kitty sticker to cover up the hole. There was one story my mother told me that when we were younger, my father threw an ashtray to her. A fucking ashtray. Back then, ashtrays were the heavy ones. In the book, there was this where Lily told her mother the important details about what happened to her and to Ryle. It was when her mother said that we all have our limits, that the last thing we want to do is lose sight of that limit. I believe my mom's last straw was when my father nearly broke everything in our home. One night, we went home coming from I forgot what is but my father was left home. When we got home, he was so proud that he bought 3 trays of eggs. 3 trays. And we don't even eat much eggs. So my mother asked him why the hell he bought 3 trays of eggs and the rest was history. He ended up throwing those eggs, our television, our dining table, chairs, bottles, everything were shattered on the floor. We were staying on our room with my mom crying and waiting for it to end. And you know what the funny thing is? My sister sneaked outside to get the PlayStation my mom bought for us in the hopes that it won't be thrown too. My father finally stopped when I begged him to stop. We lived in a small compound. Our neighbors were outside, waiting for us to beg for help. We didn't. My father went to the bathroom as he sobbed loudly. I don't know what happened that night for him to act that way; but it was so terrifying, I never wanted to experience it again.

"There is no such thing as bad people. We're all just people who sometimes do bad things." Reading the book hurt. My mom finally had the power to leave my father for good, for our own good. Sometimes it's bullshit when parents stay together for their children. My mom held on to the pain because we were so young to understand back then. I still remember how my mom hurt. How she cried so much whenever she remembered everything she went through with my father. I now understand why they can never be civil around each other. I never asked my mother how she got through it. I know she's happy now, but after reading this book, I wonder how much she held on for us... how much she was willing to extend her limit before just for us. And it hurts. It hurts me how I wanted my parents to move past everything for our sake, and I understand now how my father left a huge hole that almost killed my mom's respect for herself. I haven't even told my mom how a strong person she is. Because she fucking is! She kept telling me back then that my father was a different person when she met him, but it all changed when they got married. 

In case you're wondering, of course I have forgiven my father. I have long forgotten those things and moved past it. He lost everything and definitely regretted it. He's still my father and I hated him long enough to still hold it against him. I care for him as much as I do for my mom, but he can never take back that he's the first man to ever break my heart. Which is why I am afraid of a future. Fathers were supposed to set an example on what to look for your man, right? I guess it is not the case for me and my sisters.

Writing about this surprisingly still hurts. I want to talk to my mom and tell her how strong she is. How much I want to grow up just like her. I want to hug her and make sure that she'll always have the three of us, that none of her efforts were ever wasted. I just want to crawl into my bed and cry my eyes out. I love you ma, thank you for being a strong courageous woman. If you know someone who are experiencing the same, convince that person to leave. She deserves more, we're always more than that.